Saturday, September 6, 2008

Lead Excercise #2 Revised

Air Crash

The worst air disaster in three years happened just outside Pittsburgh -- a US Air airplane, flying out of Chicago, with 131 people onboard crashed right into the ground, just as it was landing-- there were no survivors.

The cause of the crash is unknown .

2 comments:

camccune said...

This is close, but a little too rambling. You need to start with the news (what happened, not when) and then tighten it up.

Please try again.

camccune said...

Better! But it's still a little too long and you need to get to the news (131 people killed) more quickly:

In the worst air disaster in three years, all 131 people on board a US Air jet were killed yesterday when it crashed just outside Pittsburgh.

You can give the rest of the info in subsequent paragraphs.

8/10