Firefighters rescued a
According to San Jose Fire Captain Rob Piper, Robert Kent, 50, was found in the kitchen, unconscious and surrounded by flames when firefighters reached his home. There were no smoke detectors found in the home.
The cause of the fire is still under investigation.
Posts
1 comment:
Good lead, though you could give me a little more info. How about adding this to your lead:
"...where he was found unconscious on the kitchen floor, surrounded by flames."
That makes it even more dramatic.
A long lead-in usually makes for a dull sentence, so put "According to San Jose fire Captain Rob Piper" at the end of the sentence, not at the start.
"There were no smoke detectors found in the home." This is passive voice. Rewrite the sentence to get rid of "there were" to get rid of passive voice. Also, this information isn't that important. Put it later in the story.
- second and third degree burns
- a nursing supervisor said (not "as relayed by" -- too slangy)
As a reader, I'm left wondering how this fire started. You don't have a definitive answer, but you can say that it appears to have started in the kitchen and spread to the attic, engulfing the house in smoke. (That also might explain how Kent ended up unconscious.)
8/10
Post a Comment